No Friends - Blog Posts

Guysss m so lonely I need a friend group (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥)

He is like a russian doll but when you take out another doll it is a new trauma.

Me pointing at Cale: This man has so many layers inside of him just like an onion and also just like an onion the deeper you cut through the layers the more it makes you cry

Why do people comment on my body? Like bro I know I’m fat I’m trying to change that since I was like 9💀 My dad once told me that my thighs are so big and now I hate them sm and I’m trying to cover them everyday cuz the fat and these scars and just ew ew ewwww😭Btw I relapsed to sh but it’s nothing new actually. I knew that this is gonna happen cuz I’m relapsing every single fucking time. I just wanna die. I’m tired of feeling this way but at the same time I wanna get even worse so everyone can see that I’m really struggling. I can’t be sick when I don’t look sick right? Maybe I’m just pretending and I don’t have ed or I’m not struggling with staying alive. Maybe that’s all a fucking lie for attention (I don’t get any attention btw). I wish I could talk to someone abt it but they’re gonna check me everyday and I don’t want it. I don’t want help. I don’t need help. I just wish someone finally see that I’m struggling really bad and I want people to stop thinking my life is so perfect. I hate every single thing abt myself. I have no friends and nobody actually likes me. Sad but true ig.

STAY SAFE EVERYONE I LOVE YALLLL💋💋💋

🛸´

𝓢𝓪𝔂 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓲́𝓷 <3

I Just Want

To ask someone really dumb questions about space.

Silence

You don't know what battles I am fighting

You don't know the ones I am winning and losing

You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter

You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails

You don't know if I am having nightmares

You don't know if my mornings are even fair

You just know I speak less

You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead

You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell

You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take

I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe

But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play

Sometimes I think I'd have more friends or even a partner if I wasn't guilted and expected to watch my nephew during every minute of my free time :/

I wanna have people to play and teach me some Dungeons and Dragons. That game seems like fun

Just Me

I need to finally accept the fact that I’m alone. I tried to open myself up to help and friendship and support & I’ve had to demand it. It did not come freely. I don’t think this is going to change. It hurts but I accept it.

I think pretty soon, I’m just going to have to diminish my contact with others. Keep it to only public scenarios like grocery stores and barbershops. Leave personal ties behind me. I wish things were different but there nothing I can do.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep changing myself to fit into this world. I’ve really come to like who I am as a person, and I thought I was bringing something good to the world. I find myself having a harder and harder time everyday. Being myself makes me only feel more lonely and like I don’t belong. I wish no one would ever know this feeling.

So much of the time I feel like I don’t matter. And I think I do, but no one else seems to think so. I’m not sure how I’ll manage to be who I want to be and also remove myself from society. So much pain. It doesn’t matter. My feelings don’t seem to matter. How can I value myself when no one else does? I’m conflicted. I’m hurt. I think I really should just leave everyone alone.

Maybe one day someone will hear me.

(11.11.17)

making friends is hard

making friends as an adult is hard. im in this weird age (18-20) where i can't go to a bar and try to make friends that way and i honestly don't know how else to do it.

Just friends

But it’s been hard to let them know that all I need now is not Lethargy, or Trazodone, or Sertraline.

I need a heart that can beat when mine is trembling, a face that can smile when mine is sad-locked, and a person who can accept that I am in a dangerous mood.